Below is an excerpt from the book How to Traumatize Your Child by Jen Bilik and Jamie Thompson Stern. Warning: Only recommended for parents with a sense of humor.
When it's all about yourself – The Narcissistic Parent
Narcissism is a fashionable, central, current issue. There was a time when people were interested in social life and the world around them. Nowadays, families most often put themselves above the public interest. It doesn't matter if someone else's Petije fails in school, the important thing is that their own Levente succeeds. What's more, successful parents raise this issue to a higher level of individualism by putting themselves above their children.
The narcissistic dynamic is present in all parental archetypes. The tyrannical parent, for example, has a high dose of narcissism, as does the ambitious or the buddy parent. In its purest form, the beauty of narcissism is manifested in its reflexive self-centeredness and inability to put the interests of others before its own. As we can imagine, this lack of reciprocity on the part of the parent promises a fantastic childhood for its offspring.
Do you have a narcissistic profile?
Narcissistic parents have a great deal of traumatic freedom by ignoring their children's needs. As a potential narcissist, you can proudly state that this dynamic affects all parenting styles, and in fact, you can take home the gold medal for traumatizers. If you fall into this category, congratulations!
Narcissistic parents attribute all external events to themselves and interpret even the smallest negative manifestation of the child as a rejection or insult to them. Before their children were born, narcissists had already experienced this phenomenon in other areas – in the feeling of being belittled or, on the contrary, in the arousing of envy, in the exploitation of others or in narcissistic tantrums. Building balanced relationships has always been a challenge for them in the context of interactions based on excessive dependence and manipulation.
Luckily, children adore their parents, so their need for recognition will be largely satisfied as they care for their offspring. Parental narcissism is one of the surest ways to get the laurels they deserve.
You are ripe for the narcissistic style if you have the following characteristics, opinions, and behaviors, whether in relation to children, at work, or in relationships:
- He fantasizes about omnipotence.
- He loves being the center of attention.
- He finds it difficult to understand why others are stuck in their petty problems.
- Deep down (without others seeing it, of course) he finds himself imperfect.
In the light of medical science
Children monopolize their parents' lives. A solution to this problem may be the phenomenon of projected Munchausen syndrome: a parent who causes a child to be ill in order to gain sympathy. In Eminem's song "Cleanin' out my closet," the rapper declares, "From housing estate to housing estate/A victim of Munchausen syndrome/My whole life they made me believe/That I was sick when I was healthy." Although some experts dispute the validity of the syndrome, there are numerous anecdotes that support its usefulness as a technique for the narcissistic parent.
Children are born to love their parents.
Children have no intrinsic value except what they can do for you. Think about how much you have sacrificed for them—the sex needed to conceive them, the pregnancy and birth, the financial burdens, the sacrifices you have made for a comfortable life. You have done your job, you have fulfilled your part of the contract, now it is their turn to repay you.
He deserves their love. What child doesn't love or respect his parents? It's the law of the universe, and if he doesn't see that light of adoration in their eyes, then your child will learn what it's like to live without his parents' love. Since he's a superhero in his eyes, the child must express his love through admiration—for his person, his scent, his clothes, his sex appeal. He gave him life, now it's his job to meet his unstable emotional needs.
Shut up!
They should remain unnoticed – that’s the fate of children, unless they need it the opposite way, or it boosts their ego. It’s not your child’s job to give their opinion about the world, they’re just kids! Who would care? On the contrary, they should be enthusiastic when they tell you about their exploits and experiences. It’s vital that you direct all conversations towards yourself. If they had a bad day at school, tell them: “It’s nothing serious. When I was your age…” You need to empathize with them, not with yourself. If your child has problems or interests that leave you indifferent, ignore them until they return to a topic you like. (Indifference is a powerful technique for controlling a child without them noticing.) The basic rule is: their passions and hobbies are silly, but yours are interesting. Over time, of course, they’ll agree with you.
Yourself first and foremost
Children love to be the center of attention, which takes the spotlight off of them. They should never appear prettier, smarter, or more skillful than you. The moment their success threatens your primacy, push them down. Whether it's a sport or a card game, play to win, and cheat if necessary. Whatever they do, you have to do better.
When you are in a bad mood or have a headache, your children should forget about their own problems, it is natural, but they should also take care of themselves. This is especially important if you have decided to become an alcoholic or a drug addict, because in this case you need a lot of attention, and who can pamper you better than your children. If your children do not fulfill their duties, remind them of who you are, praising their merits, ridiculing them or embarrassing them. They will soon get back in line.
"The first half of your life is ruined by your parents, the second half by your children."
Clarence Darrow
Respond with contempt
Your children should never forget that your love is conditional. After all, what good would love be if it were guaranteed?
If the child obeys, reward him with kindness or seduction. If he refuses or contradicts himself, show the whites of his teeth.
No child has the right to criticize his parents, especially not himself, and he should not allow himself to commit such a sacrilege. As a general rule, the child must understand that he must put aside his own sensitivities. Only his own have a right to exist. To punish the deviations, you can choose from a wide range of means. Show how much he has been offended and make him feel guilty, get angry and intimidate the child, remain silent and not show your emotions. Finally, threaten your child with abandonment - this always works.
Dysfunctional dictionary
The art of birth
An art form that celebrates pregnancy and childbirth, including a plaster cast of a pregnant woman's chest and a plaster cast of her belly, which can then be used to decorate your living room.
The Book of Dissection
A portable photo album that can be shown to anyone, especially on a plane or in a reading circle.
Museum of Glory
An exhibition of family photographs, taken by professional photographers whenever possible, that reminds parents of what a wonderful family they have created.
Family newsletter
An annual publication that enthusiastically recounts the successes of its descendants, deliberately exaggerating them to highlight the role of the parents and create a sense of inferiority in the recipients.
Stages of parental narcissism
- In utero : The birth of a child is all about gifts – toys, cute little shoes and first names: choose a special first name (there is a special bonus for non-traditional spellings) or simply give them your own.
- Newborn: The birth of a child is a good opportunity to arouse the interest of those around you. In the announcement, don't forget to congratulate yourself on having a child.
- Baby: If he cries, leave the room. He'll go deaf.
- Baby: Dress him in his own style and scream when he drools over your pretty clothes.
- Child: Okay, after all, you have the right to take your beer out of the fridge and pour it on the carpet.
- Teenager: Punish behaviors that annoy you and turn a blind eye to those that endanger your child.
- Teenager: Take the door off your room – intimacy is good for you, not for him.
- Young adult: Fill your voicemail with complaints and reproaches. Sigh. If you have a problem, let him know that you are the main victim.
- Adult: Fill your voicemail with complaints and reproaches. Sigh. If you have a problem, let him know that you are the main victim.
Outcomes for children of narcissistic parents
If you work hard to convince your child that everything is about him, you can expect excellent results in adulthood. Your ungrateful offspring will have the following traits:
- Systematic seeking of recognition from others, even at one's own expense;
- Attraction to narcissists (You might even become a narcissist yourself!);
- Underdeveloped or overdeveloped sense of identity;
- Strong tendency towards codependency;
- “Mama’s little boy” or “papa’s little girl”;
- Uncertainty about one's own emotions and feelings; often unable to identify and formulate them;
- Withered sense of self;
- Alcohol or drug addiction;
- Tendency to avoid you, even changing your phone number and moving without notice.
The hypnotizing mirror
Most narcissists are unaware of the origin and noble history of their name. The word comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, the son of a god and a nymph, renowned for his striking beauty. The myth has several versions, but the most famous one is that Narcissus angered the gods by refusing to love. As punishment, the gods sentenced him to fall in love with his own reflection in a river. Narcissus gazed at his reflection until he died. The fragrant flower that bears his name blooms on the bank, drooping its petals in the same way that Narcissus once bent over his reflection. Although the story was originally intended as a warning, a moral condemnation of our excessive love of ourselves, that message has become outdated. No one has died from looking at themselves in a mirror for too long since ancient Greece, except perhaps a few drivers. Today, the myth must be understood in its psychoanalytic sense – an exaggeration of self-involvement, of self-referentiality. From this perspective, raising a child can only make the parents' lives more interesting, since the child is the embodiment of self-referentiality and the mirror of the narcissistic ideal.
Your child, your mirror
How fortunate it is to have children – they are their inheritance, their genetically superior nodding John, their support for their old age, and even for their entire lives!
Yes, they are programmed to leave you at some point, but with a lot of little manipulations, you can pull them back whenever and wherever you want until they leave you for good. Narcissists, who have a hard time building satisfying relationships, have a basic need.
In the next chapter, we will study a parenting style that, despite appearances, has many similarities to the narcissist. In this case, it will also be about buying your child's love, corrupting it. You will learn all about the permissive parent.
We will continue soon.